I’ve had people ask me how they can bring up Zade in conversation. And to tell you the truth, I’m still figuring it out. To lose a child that nobody else met or really knew, well of course that makes it much more difficult to talk about.

Living with grief - Composed on the outside, heavy and foggy on the inside.

I often feel very heavy, especially in the chest. Like a 20kg weight has been lodged into my chest.

Returning to work was difficult on so many levels, especially having to tell all my coworkers what had happened. News travelled abroad to our office in Germany, and messages started trickling in. One in particular made my heart smile. She said to me:

“In Germany you name them ‘Sternenkinder’ (stars in sky).

Am I a mother? Yes. But it feels different. My motherhood journey looks very different in comparison to the “norm”. I parent in absence. I parent in a non-typical manner. I parent a child who isn’t earthside. How do I do this? Lol, well I’m still figuring it out.

Of course I have no idea what Zade’s favourite colour is. Or what his favourite food is. Or what his favourite song is. Of course I don’t. But a huge part of me believes it’s orange, so that’s what it is.

A three-part series, from pregnancy to stillbirth to after. Here is part 3, the after.

It’s been almost 5 months since I held my Son in my arms. I’ve come a long way in these 5 months. At first, I could barely articulate what had happened, I’d breakdown every single time, and here I am now, sharing my journey with you all.

A three-part series, from pregnancy to stillbirth to after. Here is part 2, the stillbirth.

For those who’ve been following along since the start, I posted my stillbirth story already, the very first post. So as part of this series, I’d like to walk you through some of the decision we had to make.

A three part series, from pregnancy to stillbirth to after. Here is part 1, the pregnancy.

Pregnancy was tough, I honestly didn’t enjoy being pregnant. Had I known that I was going to have a stillbirth, I would have cherished every single moment of it. But how could I have known?

I am 1 in 113 women who have had a stillbirth in Alberta.

We do new things all the time, but do we do them with intention?

After my Son’s stillbirth, I felt so lost. I wasn’t the same person as I was pre-pregnancy, or even during pregnancy. I realized that a part of me also died with my Son.

The Webster definition for the 4th trimester states: “the three month period immediately following giving birth in which the mother typically recovers from childbirth and adjusts to caring for her infant.”

In my opinion, this is what grief is.

It's this wave of emotion that can just engulf your entire body. Capture your mind and bleed into your thoughts. It can come back with any trigger. Completely hold you still in time.

Let me tell you about Zade’s dad, my loving husband Nate.

Nate knew he wanted to be a dad, much before I figured out I wanted to be a mom. When we found out we were pregnant, I was so excited to see him become a dad. Because I knew that he would be the best dad.

Mom to Zade, wife to Nate, daughter, sister, niece, aunt, friend. Based in Calgary, AB. Mechanical engineer by profession. I love to plan, travel, and drink wine.

2021, the year we became a family of three. A year we will never forget.

On March 1st we got that first positive pregnancy test. We just couldn’t believe it. We then did a second test, positive. A third test, positive.