Our Stillbirth Story

2021, the year we became a family of three. A year we will never forget.

On March 1st we got that first positive pregnancy test. We just couldn’t believe it. We then did a second test, positive. A third test, positive. The next morning a urine sample at the doctors, positive. Followed by three more tests, positive. We were going to be growing from two to three. We were beyond excited and incredibly nervous. So what now? I’m a planner, so I began planning.

We went to every midwife appointment, every ultrasound, every bloodwork, every test, everything. By week 14, we found out we were having a baby boy! We were thrilled. Everything was perfect, every ultrasound, every test result, everything. We felt so blessed and so thankful to God. Our perfect baby boy. Soon after we named him, Zade.

As the weeks went on, the planning continued. Spreadsheets created for what we need to buy, what we needed to research, how much everything would cost. Line by line we began to buy everything, checking off my list as we go. By week 36, the nursery was complete. By week 37, the hospital bags were packed and the car seat installed. By week 39, I was on maternity leave. We are ready to go. It would be any day now.

At 39 weeks and 6 days, November 2nd, I woke up and I realized I hadn’t felt him move. So I began my kick counts and even brought out the doppler we used during the first trimester. No feeling, no noise. Maybe the doppler was broken? So I called the midwife and we decided to meet at the hospital. Nate picked me up and off we went.

For the past 40 weeks everything has been perfect, so no need to worry, right? I mean nothing can be wrong, right? They say that the baby has less and less space to move around in there as you approach your due date, so that must be it, right? Plus, I had an anterior placenta, so movement was typically harder to feel. Wouldn’t it be crazy if he actually came on his due date!?

We could have never been prepared for what came next.

The midwife began to put the heart rate monitor on my belly but there was no noise, no whoosh whoosh sound. Maybe it was broken, I thought. Next a bedside ultrasound came in, the OB squeezed the gel on to my belly and began to look. Silence, followed by the words “Your baby does not have a heartbeat.”

As she stared into my soul, “This was not your fault.”

So much of this afternoon is still a big blur. Filled with lots of medical staff, another ultrasound, bloodwork. There was a lot of crying. A lot of questioning. A lot of Nate and I looking at each other. A lot of us saying the words “I’m so sorry” to each other, repeatedly. I don’t even know how to fully express into words how I felt. Empty. Hopeless. Broken. Alone.

After some time, the OB came back, “Do you want to be induced for a vaginal delivery, or would you like a c-section?”

“C-section”

16 hours later, it was time for surgery. We had spent the time digesting the news and preparing for what’s to come next, the birth.

On November 3rd, his due date, Zade was born silently. We held him in our arms. He was perfect. He was peaceful. He was a mix of the two of us. He was the product of our love. Finally, our family of three complete. It was the most precious time in our lives. It was instant love, the kind you dream about. I know that I will forever be thankful for those short hours we held him. A memory that will forever be a part of my heart, one that I will think about everyday of my life. My very own love story. Zade, our perfect baby boy.

As I sit here and write this, I can’t help but cry. My grief journey began that day, but so did my journey as a mom, as Zade’s mom. It’s scary to share such a vulnerable story in my life, but there is this nudge, this ache, this overwhelming pull, to just put it all out there for the world. Maybe I’ll help someone out there feel less alone in their journey, or maybe I’ll bring awareness to stillbirth, or maybe I’ll just help myself get through this.

So, to whoever you are reading this, thank you for joining me on my journey.

This will be a journey about healing. A journey about finding a new normal. A journey about learning that grief and joy can coexist. A journey about becoming a mom. A journey about life after a stillbirth.