PART 2: THE STILLBIRTH

A three-part series, from pregnancy to stillbirth to after. Here is part 2, the stillbirth.

For those who’ve been following along since the start, I posted my stillbirth story already, the very first post. So as part of this series, I’d like to walk you through some of the decision we had to make.

The truth about stillbirth is that it happens in an instant, and there is nothing you can do about it. One minute your baby is fine, and the next he’s not. For me, when I had woken up suddenly in the midst of the night, I just knew something wasn’t right. I never thought that my baby wasn’t alive anymore. I honestly didn’t even know that was a possibility. I had never heard of stillbirth before, yet alone a full-term stillbirth. Now, I always wonder if it was in that moment that Zade had died.

At the hospital, we were left alone in the triage room for a while. The triage room where we found out that Zade’s heart had stopped beating. The OB, midwife and nurses gave us time to absorb the news. Throughout that day, we must have spent over 10 hours in that room, Nate and I, no worldly distractions. I can still picture every inch of that room. The thin uncomfortable bed. The weird brownish green chairs. The color of the walls. The butterfly decals that bordered the top of two of the walls; not spaced equally nor aligned properly. The small clock that hung on the wall, with a different color surrounding it – as if the painter had painted around a clock that previously sat there. The room was cold, or maybe I was just cold. I had my baby inside of me, knowing that his heart had stopped.

We had so many decisions to make. But first, how do we tell our parents that their grandson died. This was news that we barely comprehended, it made no sense to us, so how do we make it make sense for our parents.

Do we want a second ultrasound to confirm the diagnosis

Do we want to get induced or have a c-section

Do we want to go home and come back for the surgery, or just stay at the hospital

Do we want an autopsy

Do we want an AHS therapist

Do we want pregnancy loss support brochures

Do we want to see Zade after the birth

Do we want to spend time with him

Do we want to dress him in something we brought

Do we want photos

Do we want the volunteer organization ‘Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep’ to come in to take photos of us as a family or take the family photos ourselves

When should we say our final goodbye to Zade

Do we want his hand prints and foot prints

Do we want a wisp of his hair

Which funeral home do we want to use

How do we share the news with family, friends and coworkers

On November 3rd, his due date, Zade was born silently. We held him in our arms. He was perfect. He was peaceful. He was a mix of the two of us. He was the product of our love. Finally, our family of three complete. It was the most precious time in our lives. It was instant love, the kind you dream about. I know that I will forever be thankful for those short hours we held him. A memory that will forever be a part of my heart, one that I will think about everyday of my life. My very own love story. Zade, our perfect baby boy.

Stay tuned for part 3, the after.