part 1: the pregnancy
A three part series, from pregnancy to stillbirth to after. Here is part 1, the pregnancy.
Pregnancy was tough, I honestly didn’t enjoy being pregnant. Had I known that I was going to have a stillbirth, I would have cherished every single moment of it. But how could I have known?
It all started on March 1st, 2021, the day we found out I was pregnant. We had only been trying to conceive for a short while, and we were in shock. We felt incredibly blessed that we were able to conceive. But we were so shocked. I took 6 pregnancy tests and went to the doctors for a urine test. I quickly realized that my life was about to change drastically and I wasn’t prepared mentally. For me, life was about my career. How to progress in my career, what I needed to do to succeed, my 5 year plan, all of that stuff. I have always been super career motivated from a young age. Whether it was working throughout university or moving to Germany to explore my career. It was the forefront of my life. And now I was pregnant.
It was at that very first 8-week ultrasound when it just clicked. I was having a baby. I was going to be a mom. We were going to be parents. It was truly life changing. It’s one thing to see a positive pregnancy test, but it’s a whole different thing to see an actual heart beating. We saw Zade’s little heart beating. Everything became so real in that moment, and my initial shock was gone. It was just magical. During this same ultrasound we saw two sacs, one with Zade and one empty. I always think about that second sac, could Zade have been a twin? What happened in there? Did I miscarry one of my babies?
So once I got over that initial shock, it moved into the ‘how the hell am I going to raise a baby’ phase. What do babies need? I spent countless hours on this. I feel like a mini-expert in babies haha. The inner nerd in me was able to shine:
I had a spreadsheet going for all the things we needed to buy, each item on there was thoroughly researched, along with a purchase link and cost.
A list of baby names
Hospital bag packing list
Pregnancy symptoms by week, along with progress photos with the hope that one day I can help a friend understand what pregnancy may look like
I read countless books and summarized them into notes for my husband to read, and to refresh myself the few weeks before delivery
Weekly videos of my belly with Zade growing
Sleep training options, and the pros and cons of each
Birth and babies classes through the AHS
Gosh, so much more
I had a really good grasp of raising a baby in theory, and I just hoped that I would be the best mother to my Son.
We never missed an appointment or an ultrasound. We opted for the NIPT blood test early on that also told us the sex of the baby. A boy! I was thrilled. Beyond thrilled. I was going to be a boy mom! I had an anterior placenta, so I felt Zade move around week 20. It was incredibly cool. Hands down the best part of being pregnant. Oh how I miss him kicking and dancing inside of me. I distinctly remember the first time he danced to a Spanish song. He loved Spanish music. Easiest way to wake him up and feel movement. We always thought about whether he’d still love it after he was born.
At week 28, off we went on our babymoon to Victoria, BC. Side note, I highly do not recommend going on a babymoon that involves a lot of walking. My sciatica pain was at its worst. Swollen feet. Exhaustion. I missed my pregnancy pillow. Although I did swim pregnant for the first time and it was amazing! All that weight just lifted off of you. I felt so light and pain free. Loved the experience.
Later on in the pregnancy, week 29, we did a 3D ultrasound and saw Zade for the first time. Technology is amazing, isn’t it? He was yawning and moving around. He had a tight grip on the umbilical cord and had it right in front of his face. Adorable. We thought he’d probably love a pacifier, so of course I did a ton more research on the best pacifiers and bought 3 different brands. Just to be safe, you know. Our baby boy was growing beautifully. Healthy heartbeat, healthy weight, all tests and ultrasounds came back normal. We were so blessed.
During the 3rd trimester, I was in nesting mode. Everything in our house needed to be organized and cleaned. Our pantry was stocked and organized into baskets and of course labelled. Freezer was stocked - a very expensive Costco trip. I had lots of snacks to keep me going for the 4th trimester. The basement storage closet was organized into bins and labelled - because of course that was necessary for Zade haha.
By 37 weeks pregnant the nursery was complete. We had it all, from the BabyBjörn bouncer to the unnecessary Adidas runners. Due to covid we opted out of having a baby shower, and instead had our parents over to celebrate and show them the completed nursery. Orange carpet and neutral colours everywhere else. It felt peaceful and cozy, with the perfect pop of color. We had a bookshelf stocked with books from our family and friends to Zade with a note written in it from them to him. So that every time we read him the book, we can read him the message too.
By 39 weeks I started maternity leave, said goodbye to my coworkers and my clients. Everyone was so excited to get the good news. All our family and friends just waiting for the day. I took the time to rest, watch lots of TV, and eat a ton of donuts. Because why not right? We were ready to meet him. Ready to bring Zade home.
Overall, like I said earlier, pregnancy was tough physically and emotionally. Being pregnant for the first time it felt like I knew nothing. Everyday was a new symptom, a new Google search. My body was changing faster than my brain could keep up. It was full of physical symptoms - the sciatica pain, stretch marks, acid reflux, braxton hicks contractions, and emotionally it was a true whirlwind.
At the same time, it was full of baby dances, the cutest baby hiccups, the perfect sound of a heart beating. I had made it through the 9 months, and now it was time for our next chapter. It was time to bring Zade into the world.
Stay tuned for part 2, the stillbirth.
