PART 3: THE AFTER
A three-part series, from pregnancy to stillbirth to after. Here is part 3, the after.
It’s been almost 5 months since I held my Son in my arms. I’ve come a long way in these 5 months. At first, I could barely articulate what had happened, I’d breakdown every single time, and here I am now, sharing my journey with you all. Huge accomplishment in my eyes. But inside, I’m broken, and I think I always will be. The harsh reality of life after a stillbirth, is that you’re left empty handed. You’re left in a world where your Son isn’t with you earthside. You’re left with a box of his hand and footprints, a wisp of his hair, and a certificate of life. You’re left with having to convey the news to loved ones. You’re left with a fully stocked and decorated nursery. You’re left with having to make funeral arrangements. You’re left with having to still go through the 4th trimester. You’re left with so many unanswered questions. You’re left to grieve.
It was difficult to navigate how to truly tell our family and close friends, and how to do it gracefully. We gave birth on Zade’s due date. Everyone was anticipating a birth announcement, not one of death. How do you put the perfect words together to tell everyone that you’re Son passed away, but still try to honour his birth. After we got home from the hospital, all we wanted was to be left alone, to live in our little bubble for as long as possible, because that’s what felt safe to us. I remember all the flower deliveries. There were so many flower deliveries, and all with such good intentions. Our dining table was full, this garden that just sat there. I remember how mad it made me feel, as pretty as it was, they were condolence flowers, they were a reminder that Zade wasn’t in my arms. I remember that dinner from Earls that our friends had left on our doorstep. The steak and the salad, so delicious. I remember the box of Purdys chocolates that we’d pick at every night. I remember the Skip the Dishes gift cards that we were sent. All these beautiful gestures from loved ones, and all while respecting our space. I will forever be thankful.
Till this day, the nursery remains untouched. What was once a beautifully decorated nursery awaiting Zade, is now simply more of a storage room stacked with all of his stuff. While at the hospital, we had asked our parents to move all his stuff, from around the house, into the nursery. The bottle sterilizer, the diaper caddy, the bassinet, the playpen, the bouncer, all of it. What are we supposed to do with the nursery now? For now, the room door remains shut, and my hope is that one day I’ll have the strength to walk in there without crying. The strength to figure out what to do with everything.
Let’s talk about social media. Throughout my pregnancy all I did was research and watch baby related content. But now, I didn’t need it anymore, and honestly, I didn’t want to see it anymore.
Exit Facebook October / November 2021 Moms & Babies group
Exit AHS Birth & Babies group chat
TikTok baby related content - Hold down, select Not Interested
Unfollow baby and mom YouTuber’s
Youtube baby related content - Tap 3 dots, select Not Interested
Instagram fyp baby related content - Tap 3 dots, select Not Interested
Create a social media post announcing the stillbirth
At the hospital we opted for an autopsy, and therefore Zade would be kept at the hospital till the autopsy was complete and then he would be moved. I think it was only a few hours after we gave birth that the social worker handed us a paper with a list of funeral homes. She asked us to choose one. She needed to complete the paperwork. But how? We knew nothing about funeral homes. There is a cemetery by our house that we’ve walked through before, it felt so peaceful there, and so that’s the one we selected. A few days later, Nate and I, went to visit the funeral home and we made all the arrangements. We opted for a private viewing with our parents and siblings. There was a massive list we had to go through. What flowers do we want to go with, what would we like him dressed in, which urn would we like. At that appointment I remember looking at Nate in disbelief. Were we really planning our Sons funeral? No parent should outlive their child. But this was our reality. On November 11th, we saw Zade for the second time. He was as beautiful as ever. Just how I remembered him, at peace. There is this energy he gave off, one of calmness. After the viewing we released balloons into the clear blue sky. Just magical. The balloons flew so incredibly high and as a family we stared into the sky and smiled.
I miss Zade. I miss him with all my heart. There is nothing I can do to bring him back to me. But what I can do is allow myself to continue to be inspired by him every day. Continue to pray for him. Continue to love him. Continue to be his mom. Continue to honour him. And continue to grieve in whatever way feels right to me.
This three-part series has been incredibly difficult to write. Actually, in all honesty, all my posts are difficult to write. It’s scary to be so vulnerable in my journey, but it still feels right. Every single week I take the time to put together a post, and I do it with intention, as Zade has taught me. I appreciate every single one of you that’s following along, it means so much to me that you’re taking the time out of your day to remember Zade with me. It truly makes me happy. I hope that Zade continues to inspire you too.
