ORANGE
Of course I have no idea what Zade’s favourite colour is.
Or what his favourite food is. Or what his favourite song is. Of course I don’t. But a huge part of me believes it’s orange, so that’s what it is.
When we were decorating the nursery, all I wanted were neutral colours. I wanted the space to feel cozy and relaxing. But then I saw this orange rug and I just had to have it. It’s the perfect pop of colour. I’ve never been drawn to anything orange before, it’s always been too bright for me. But this time, it felt so right. And so, for the rest of my life, I will choose to believe that Zade’s favourite colour is orange. And now everytime I look at something orange, I smile. Zade makes me smile.
This beautiful orange rug still lays in the nursery. Everytime I think of the nursery, I remember the rug. I remember that it’s orange and I smile. It helps me associate the nursery with joy versus grief. I’ve slowly come to realize that a shift in perspective is what is required to get through a wave of grief. Of course I have to allow myself to sit and just cry. But I also have to try to see things in a different light, to see things with joy too.
We had a therapy session a few months ago, and our therapist said something to us that really flipped a switch in my head. I always used to tell Nate “This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.” If we’d go to a restaurant, or a family gathering, or sleep in on a Sunday - this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. We would have been at home with Zade instead of out at this fancy restaurant ordering a bottle of wine. We would have had Zade here to play with his cousins at the family gathering. We would be awake bright and early on a Sunday taking care of Zade.
Back to the therapist, she said to us - Try not to focus on what things should have been like, instead focus on what it is instead. If you thought you’d be taking Zade for walks in the park, then go for those walks anyways. If you thought you’d be going on a beach vacation with Zade then go anyways, and build a sandcastle in his honour. Find ways to incorporate him into your new normal.
My reality is that Zade is in Heaven, and I need to find ways to continue to cope. So now I focus on the ‘what instead’. I focus on ways I can include him in my daily life. Whether it’s about lighting a candle at dinner so we can eat as a family of three, or continuing our tradition of doing something new everyday with intention, or going to the park. It is my duty as a mom to an Angel to always keep his memory alive, and I will. I will find more ways to incorporate him into our new normal.
So to others it might just be an orange rug, but to me it's Zade showing me that joy and grief can coexist.
To others it might just be an orange balloon, but to me it's Zade showing me that it's okay to have some fun.
To others it might just be a beautiful sunset, but to me it's Zade showing me beauty in this grim world.
To others it might just be an orange tulip, but to me it's Zade giving me, his mama, flowers.
The next time you see something orange, think of Zade for me.
