THE 4TH TRIMESTER AFTER A STILLBIRTH
The Webster definition for the 4th trimester states: “the three month period immediately following giving birth in which the mother typically recovers from childbirth and adjusts to caring for her infant.”
I just finished my 4th trimester, and my reality was: “the three month period immediately following giving birth in which the mother typically recovers from childbirth and mourns her infant.”
I really debated posting this one. It’s just so grim. But, it’s my reality. Life wasn’t supposed to look like this. But, it does. I was so ready for the baby cuddles, sleepless nights, diapers changes, piles of laundry, doctor appointments, intense googling. But God had other plans for my Son, Zade.
Never in a million years did I think that I would have a stillbirth. But, I did. My 4th trimester was full of tears, heartbreak, and questions. I still went through it all, all the typical postpartum stuff - the body changes, recovery from the c-section, more stretch marks, milk production, five weeks of bleeding, hair loss, anxiety, hormonal changes. Just a whirlwind of physical and emotional changes. Oh, and that lower belly pooch.
When we got home from the hospital, I wasn’t able to do much physically. I needed help walking, getting off the couch, getting out of bed. I had no energy and was in a lot of pain. My milk came in and I had to figure out how to suppress it (by the way cabbage leaves really do work, so fascinating). I just remember looking around my own home, my safe space, and feeling so lonely, so sad. Not in the mood to watch TV, socialize or do anything. I didn’t want any visitors. I just wanted to know why. Why did this happen? But there were no answers.
It was crazy to think that life was still moving on, and yet in my little bubble it felt like life had stopped. Like it had come to a standstill. One thing you need to know about me is that I’m a realist, not a dreamer. I don’t focus much on the what ifs. I focus on reality. And after what I went through, I’m so glad I was built this way. It took me a few weeks to realize that I needed to pull myself together and pivot. Change. Adapt. Start to figure out my new normal. Start to accept that I’m a mom to a baby in Heaven.
Over the past few months, there are two prominent things that helped me cope the most. One was work, and the other was hosting a Christmas Toy Drive in honor of Zade. It was magical. We raised 663 toys towards The Magic of Christmas charity.
Over 130 families donated. Gosh, it was just magical. But this will be a story for another time. It truly deserves its own post.
“You don’t need to go back to work right away, just take your time, you need to heal”
Well, duh. I know that. But what am I supposed to do instead? Sit at home and stare at the wall? Just be constantly trapped in my own thoughts and feelings? No. That just wasn’t going to work for me. I knew that I needed to go back to work. I needed to start to feel somewhat normal again. I needed to be busy for at least a few hours in the day. Focus my energy on something. So, I decided to end my maternity leave after three weeks and I returned to work. Easy decision to make, hard to actually do.
Our therapist helped us navigate how to tell people what had happened. Whether it was a fellow co-worker, a client, or a stranger.
“Do you have kids?”
“Yes, I do, I have a Son in Heaven”
“You’re back from maternity already?”
“Yes, I had to cut my maternity leave short. I had a stillbirth. I’m looking forward to getting back to work, staying busy and focusing my energy on the task at hand.”
“Congratulations! How’s the baby doing?”
“Thank you for asking, that’s really nice of you to remember. Unfortunately, we had a stillbirth.”
I’m not responsible for the way it makes someone feel. Uncomfortable, sad, awkward. I learned that from our therapist. Of course it’s an uncomfortable, sad, and awkward conversation to have. But it’s just a brief conversation for them; I am the one actually going through it. I’ve always been a very straight-forward person, so why stop now.
So, to summarize -These three months after my stillbirth, the 4th trimester, it sucked. It’s been full of the typical postpartum physical and emotional changes, coupled with immense sadness and back to work-mode.
I know that I can’t change what happened, it’s out of my control. What I can do is focus on what is in my control. Continue to do what feels right for me and for my husband. Continue to mourn and grieve however I want to. Continue to be a realist. Continue to take life on, one day at a time.
Every day, as I look at my body, and all that has changed. Especially the stretch marks and the c-section scar. I smile because it’s a beautiful reminder that I gave birth. A beautiful reminder that I have a Son. A beautiful reminder that I am a mom. And that makes it all worth it. So worth it.
I will forever have Zade. He will forever have my heart.
