“I’LL ALWAYS COME BACK TO YOU”

Let me tell you about Zade’s dad, my loving husband Nate.

Nate knew he wanted to be a dad, much before I figured out I wanted to be a mom. When we found out we were pregnant, I was so excited to see him become a dad. Because I knew that he would be the best dad. He’d always be around, he’d always be there no matter what, and he’d always love his child with all his heart. He’d know all the right things to do and all the right things to say. He’d enroll him into Timbits hockey, and encourage him to learn to play an instrument. He’d teach him how to be chivalrous and that education is important. He’d just do all the right things.

Zade made him a dad. The best dad.

As my belly continued to grow, Nate continued to bond with our son. He’d hold my belly, kiss my belly, lay beside my belly, massage my belly. He’d talk to Zade and play with him as he kicked and moved. I loved every minute of it. They already had such a bond. The sweetest relationship. Father and son.

Zade was a lover of Spanish music and fast cars. A little bit of me and a little bit of his dad. Zade would dance in my belly all the time whenever a Spanish song was playing. He was a party animal, ready to bust a move on the dancefloor. Life of the party, like his father is. We would often go for drives in Nate’s BMW and he’d put on the Pitbull station on SirusXM radio, and Zade would start dancing. Nate would place his hands on my belly and dance along. Some of the most beautiful and vivid memories of my pregnancy.

Every week we would record my belly growing, noting the size of fruit he was that week. Nate would use our secret handshake on my belly, a fistbump, retract and return. We call it the “I’ll always come back to you” handshake. We created a video, and although we didn’t get to finish it, for us, it’s a beautiful video filled with so many memories with our Son.

This photo is the perfect illustration. It captures what’s to come, till we meet again Son, “I’ll always come back to you.”

Reminiscing about our pregnancy makes everything feel real again. The thing about stillbirth is that it feels like everyone around us sort of just forgot. Zade was here, he was in my belly, in our arms. And although he isn’t physically with us, our hearts belong to him, they always will. We are a death defying society, as our therapist would say. We get uncomfortable, we don’t talk about it and just expect that the people who are grieving will just move on and be fine. But the truth is, we’ll be grieving our whole lives, it doesn’t get easier. We love to talk about our Son, we love when people say his name. We want him to be recognized and we want to honour him the best we can.

So today, in honour of our Son, I ask that you do something with his name in mind. Whether that’s looking up at the sky and smiling and saying “Hi Zade!” or performing an act of kindness in his name, or lighting a candle, or listening to a Spanish song. It would mean everything to me, I’d absolutely love it.

Comment and let me know what you did!