1000 dAYS

A thousand days—doesn't that sound like an eternity?

It’s been a thousand days since Zade passed away. When I say it out loud, it sounds like an eternity. But it feels like no time has passed.

People often say that you learn to live with grief, and now I know that it’s true. The grief doesn’t get smaller; you just get stronger. Over these thousand days, I’ve come to understand that the pain remains the same, but my ability to cope has grown.

I’ve developed my own coping mechanisms. I’ve learned to recognize when I need downtime, when the world feels too heavy, and I need to retreat. I can sense a grief hangover coming, those moments when the weight of loss feels overwhelming, and I need to take a step back.

These strategies are crucial. They help me navigate the waves of grief that come unexpectedly, often when I least expect them. Most times it’s the colour orange that is still the biggest reminder of the memories and the pain. But by allowing myself to feel and process these moments, I’ve found a way to continue living.

Every morning as I feed my daughter, we watch the sun rise, and the orange light beams in through the windows. It’s my favorite part of the day - A time when both my kids are present with me. This is what it means to parent in absence. It’s these little moments that keep me going. 

Living with grief is not about forgetting or moving on. It’s about integrating the loss into your life and finding a way forward. It’s about carrying the memory of Zade with me, honoring his life, and finding strength in my love for him.

As I look back on these thousand days, I realize that while they’ve been marked by profound sadness, they’ve also been a journey of resilience. I’ve learned that it’s okay to have bad days, to cry, and to feel the loss deeply. But I’ve also learned that it’s possible to find moments of joy and peace amidst the pain.

Grief is a part of my life now, a companion that walks beside me. And while I may not have chosen this path, I’ve found a way to navigate it with strength and grace. For anyone else who is grieving, know that it’s okay to feel the pain, to take time for yourself, and to find your own ways to cope. It’s a journey, but you don’t have to walk it alone.