The holidays
We put up a Christmas stocking for Zade this year.
Although it will not get stuffed with lots of gifts, it’s a beautiful reminder that he’s a part of us. The stockings read Dad, Mom, Zade, and Dom - our fur baby. When you don’t have an earthside child, it’s easy to forget that you’re a parent. Parenting in absence still feels so unconventional and difficult for me. We aren’t able to create typical Christmas memories with Zade, but we still created memories with him in mind. From day one we’ve always made him the center of our lives. Last December we hosted a toy drive in his honor, and we decided to do it again this year. So a few weeks ago we hosted the second toy drive - Zade’s Christmas Toy Drive. It was truly magical to see the impact that our Son has been able to make for a second year in a row. With the help of over 150 families, we donated 708 toys towards a local charity - the Magic of Christmas. This year, the Magic of Christmas, helped 807 families and we’re so honored to be a part of this magical initiative. On Christmas eve, we personally visited 14 of the families to give them the donations, sing Christmas carols, and spread the Christmas cheer into their hearts and homes. It was really nice to recognize some of the toys we raised, and be able to see such big smiles on so many kids' faces. It truly warmed my heart.
Zade has taught me so much. He’s taught me kindness, humility, and adventure. He’s taught me that life is so unpredictable, and to cherish it more. He’s taught me that every soul has its own journey. He’s taught me to do everything with intention and with love. He continues to show me the impact his life and death has on so many people, on so many kids. I’m incredibly proud to be his mom.
With that being said, I also want to show you what grief during the holidays looks like.
The month of November was rough. November is Zade’s heavenly birthday, hence a very very very difficult month. This past November was his 1st heavenly birthday and the emotions truly caught me by surprise. I knew it would be difficult, but I highly underestimated how difficult it would be. Every feeling I had last November, when Zade passed away, came back to me. My body was weak and exhausted. My mind was foggy and numb. I felt heavy, heartbroken, and alone. They say the body remembers, even before the mind does - And boy is that true. It felt like I was back to square one. It felt like all that work I did over the year had gone to waste. The various kinds of therapy sessions, self-care, workshops, etc. I felt defeated. Very early on I remember my grief coach telling me that one day I’ll be ready to go within. I had no idea what she was talking about. Now I do. We hold so much energy and emotion in our body, and until we are ready to reach within and feel, express, and let it out, there is no external source that can heal us. But of course, I did not listen to what my mind and body needed - I pushed on. I became so overwhelmed - On top of my heavy grief, I had a busy work schedule, a toy drive to plan, and then I had to face the holiday season. My therapist assured me that in time these heightened feelings and emotions will begin to calm down again. She reminded me that I need to focus on one task at a time.
When it came to planning the toy drive, we decided to do it at a community hall this year, instead of at our house. More space, more breathing room, more socializing, more memories with family and friends; but also more planning. I’ve planned larger events in the past, but this was difficult. Grief holds this giant space within me, which means I don’t operate at 100%. Instead of asking for help, I continued to persevere. I was in auto-pilot mode; a mode that I’ve become all too familiar with over the past year, and I focused on the mission at hand - Honor Zade, give back to our community, and spread awareness about pregnancy and infant loss. And I did just that. The toy drive was a success! The event went by flawlessly, and the mission was complete. It felt bittersweet, we were able to raise so many toys and make so many kids happy, and at the same time, the only reason we are doing this is because Zade is in Heaven. I miss my Son immensely. All I can continue to do is parent in absence, and provide a platform for him to continue to make an impact.
Following the toy drive comes Christmas and New Years, i.e my birthday. For me, these holidays are the toughest without Zade. It’s my favourite time of year, or rather it used to be. I avoid social media as best as I can. It's difficult to see all the family photos, the matching pjs, the happy families, all while a part of me is missing. The holidays are a sad time of year.
Although it’s been over a year since Zade passed, I still find it difficult to navigate parenthood, to navigate grief, to figure out who this ‘ new’ me is and what she needs. I’m still lost, but I know that I will continue to search for my path. I will continue to parent Zade. I will continue to figure out how my grief and joy can co-exist.
"No matter how dark it gets, I'll always find my light."
Wishing you all a gentle holiday season, and all the best for 2023.
